[Jewish Humor] des Perles d'humours Juif (en anglais)

Salut Les amis, voici quelques blagues que j'ai trouvé sur le forum usenet Rec.humor.jewish, (ici)
c'est simple, j'en rit encore.

Citation :

The following is a basic guide to Valentine's Day survival for men.

Step 1: The minimum requirement is to let the woman know that you
care. The least expensive way is to look at her - preferably
somewhere on her face - and say, "I love you, (her name here)." If
you forget her name, don't bother with the rest of the steps. You're
dead.

Step 2: A Valentine card is an acceptable non-verbal token of
appreciation. Best of all, it's cheap. Good Valentines are pink with
lots of lace and have cute words such as, "I'll love my sugar bunny
for ever and ever." Bad Valentine cards say, "Good for one free quart
of motor oil."

Step 3: Candy. For some scientific reason that makes no sense, women
regard chocolate the same way men view pizza. While a handful of
M&M's is OK, women tend to expect something a bit nicer. Wrapped for
starters. Since the candy is supposed to be for her, she's going to
notice test bites. Stay out of it.

Step 4: Jewelry. A bit pricier, especially if you didn't bother with
steps 1-3. If you did, you might get by with a small, but hideously
expensive ring or necklace. Keep in mind that most women do not
consider aluminum, tin, or a Mylar balloon to be a precious metal.

Step 5: Romantic getaways are good for couples with more than 0.002
kids. Depending on the size of your family, the romantic getaway may
have to cross at least three international boundaries.

Step 6: Unlike men, women give points for trying. So do something.
Anything is better than nothing! If you don't believe me, I can show
you last year's knot on the back of my head.

Citation :

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going
by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.
You're just like Moishe."

"Who?"

"Moishe Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming
along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to
Moishe every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro
tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He
knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighbourhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Moishe."

"Then how do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow."

Citation :

Traduction Widow = Veuve en francais

Citation :

Did I tell the one about the boy who told his rabbi he wasn't
interested in studying to become a Bar Mitzvah?

The kid fussed and fumed and finally said to the rabbi, "Fu.. you, I'm
not going to do it." The rabbi notified the boy's father that he was
unwelcome in the rabbi's temple.

"Who needs him and his Reform temple?" the father said and took the
kid to the Jewish Theological Seminary. There, when the dean tried to
interview, the kid said, "Fu.. you, too." Of course the father was
told to take the kid somewhere else.

So they went to Tel Aviv, where the Chief Rabbi interviewed the boy.
And, sure enough, the boy again said, "Fu.. you." And of course, the
rabbi threw them out.

In Jerusalem, at Hechal Shlomo, the seat of the Chief Rabbi, the
father explained what had happened. "If you can straighten him out and
prepare him for the ceremony, I'll donate $10,000 to the synagogue,"
he said. The rabbi said, "Leave me alone with the boy."

Once the father had left, the rabbi suddenly grabbed the kid's
shirtfront, almost lifting him off the floor. He thrust his face
directly into the kid's and said, "So you said Fu.. to a reform rabbi
in New York? Eh, not such a smart thing to do but forgivable. To the
head of the JTS you said Fu..? That was offensive, because although I
don't approve of Conservative rabbis, this man is a scholar and
entitled to respect."

The rabbi's voice had risen in volume and his face reddened, as he
said, "And then, in Tel Aviv, you insulted a giant in Judaism. You
said Fu.. to a man you are not fit to wipe the shoes of. And now, you
think you're going to come here, to the most holy place in Judaism, if
not the world, and say Fu.. to me?"

The rabbi's voice rose to a roar. "OH NO, MY BOY, --- FU.. YOU!!!!!!"

Citation :

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin
Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical
spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is
a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made . Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I
have ever played, by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my
putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

Citation :

A Polish jewish family settled in Paris after the World War 2. A neighbour asks to the father : "can I ask you why did you left Poland to come in France ? Because of antisemitism ?"

M. Abramovicz : "we didn't complain about that"

The neighbour : "Really ? So it was because of the poverty there ?"

M. Abramovicz answers bluntly : "We didn't complain about that"

The neighbour (more and more surprised) : "Ah ? So it was because of the
lack of freedom ?"

M. Abramovicz : "we didn't complain about that"

The neighbour : "so, why did you com here ?"

M. Abramovicz : "Because in France, it's possible to complain about
everything"

heu... je pense que tu devrais enlever ce thread sinon on va t'accuser d'antisémitisme

Non, t'inquiete pas Allyson, d'abord parce que je ne suis en rien antisimite, et puis, le forum dont j'ai tiré ces traits d'humour est un forum traitant de l'humour juif, comme il existe l'humour anglais, l'humour francais et l'humour algérien. et puis la plus part de ceux qui postent sur ce forum sont juifs.

Depuis Abraham le briseur d’idoles et son fils Isaac, dont le nom signifie “celui qui fait rire”, l’humour a joué un rôle central dans la pensée juive… D’abord, parce qu’il est l’une des manifestations du rejet de l’idolâtrie, de l’idée toute faite, des déterminismes de la pensée : le jeu de mot comme la blague, dont la chute surprend, ont cette faculté de réinjecter de l’imprévu dans un schéma de pensée figé. Mais surtout, l’humour a été pour le peuple juif l’ultime recours, le moyen d’exorciser ses peurs et ses doutes au fil d’une histoire souvent tragique.

l’humour juif a cette faculté de surmonter l’adversité en désarmant la haine et les préjugés.

Je te trouves très tollérant Amen.

Mais pour ne pas passer pour un antisémite, il aurait alors fallu poster également des blagues sur les algériens ou sur les arabes, t pas d'accord???

Ma chere Samantha, j'avait déja Posté des Blagues traitant des autres religions : comme celle qui te dit comment convertir un musulman en protestant. ou celle du Pape et de son chauffeur ? ou celle parlant de la premiere cérémonie d'un Pretre

Mon cher Amen, il faut peut être penser à munir le forum d'un p'tit moteur de recherche pour retrouver facilement les messages d'après leur titre ou des mots qui s'y trouvent

et là vous n'aurez plus à dire à Samantha que ça a déjà été dit dans le forum

j'avais raison, t'as tjs un décalage sur les réponses toi!

J'espere que cette Blague ne sera ps mal comprise, moi je l trouve intelligente, si elle vous parait un tant soit peu antisémites dites le moi, et je l'enleverai toute de suite

Citation :

C'est le jeune Isaac qui va trouver son patron et qui lui dit:
- Je ne peux plus travailler chez vous. Tous vos employés sont antisémites!
- Quoi?! Qu'est ce que vous racontez-la?! Qu'il y en ait un ou deux, je veux
bien, mais pas tous!
- Si je vous dit qu'ils sont tous antisémites!!! D'ailleurs j'ai fait un test...
Je leur ai tous posé la même question, et ils ont tous fait la même réponse! Ils
sont tous antisémites, j'vous dit!!
- Mais c'est quoi cette question????
- Je leur ai demandé ce qu'ils penseraient si on exterminait tous les juifs et
tous les coiffeurs...
- Les coiffeurs!?! Pourquoi les coiffeurs???
- Ben, vous voyez, vous aussi!

Ta blague est très drôle Amen, surtout ne la supprime pas

Citation :

A Rabbi was giving the children's message during a shul service. For
this part of the service, he would gather all the little children
around him and give a brief Talmud lesson before dismissing them.

On this particular Saturday, he decided to use squirrels for an object
lesson on teaching the need for industry and preparation.

He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want
you to raise your hand when you know what it is."

The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause)

and eats nuts (pause)..."

No hands went up.

"And it is grey (pause)

and has a long bushy tail (pause) . . . "

The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised.

"And it jumps from branch to branch (pause)

and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause) . . . "

Finally, one little Morris tentatively raised his hand. The Rabbi
breathed a sigh of relief and called on him.

"Well," said little Morris, "I KNOW the answer must be Moses -- but it
sounds just like a squirrel to me!"

squirrel = écureuil

Citation :

Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently,"
he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found
this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to
sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made
myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you
please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"
The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of
toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"

Citation :

Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a
large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats
to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at
the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy's
hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with
the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian
country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a
Star of David."
The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the
Cross and says, "Hymie, look who's trying to teach us Marketing."

Citation :

Isaac and Sarah got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got
back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother Leah.
"Well," said Leah, "how was the honeymoon,darling?"
"Oh mum," Sarah replied, "the honeymoon was fantastic. It was so
romantic, and ..and..."
Then Sarah started to cry. "Oh mum, as soon as we got back, Isaac
started using terrible language. He said things I'd never hoped to
hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mum, get into your car now and
come and take me home."
"Calm down, darling," said Leah, "tell your mother what could be that
awful. Don't be shy, tell me what 4-letter words Isaac used."
"Please mum, I'm too embarrassed to tell you, they're terrible words.
Just come and take me away." said Sarah.
"But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must tell me what the 4-letter
words were."
Still crying, Sarah replies, "Oh mum, he used words like WASH, COOK,
IRON, DUST, ..."

Citation :

There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he
put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new
chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job,
a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed all three.
The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be
his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew
a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two
pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his
chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a
smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in
four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief
Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp.
Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh,
whoooooossshhh went Morris's sword, but the wasp was still alive and
buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, "After all your
sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
Morris replied, "A circumcision is never intended to kill."

Spéciale pour Ally

Citation :

"I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've
suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The
usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I
ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you
don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming
home, but she always walks down the drive. I once picked her mobile
phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed
that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on
her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think
deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went
out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going
to park my 2006 Yamaha R1 motorcycle next to the garage and then hide
behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came
home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Yamaha R1, that I
noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a
little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back
to the dealer?

Citation :

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips,
President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard,
wearing
a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.
-
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that
you look like Moses?"
-
The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.
-
The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared
ahead,
never acknowledging the president.
-
The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the
robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses
to you?"
-
The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
-
"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me
and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak ... Watch!"
-
Again the president shouted, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.
-
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and
whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
-
The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. The
last time I talked to a bush, I spent forty years wandering in the
desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire
Middle East with no oil."

Citation :

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her
parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father
to find out about the young man. The father invites
the fiance into his study for a drink. "So what are
your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable,
but what will you do to provide a nice house for my
daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will
provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring,
such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man
replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support
children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the
father questions, the young idealist insists that God
will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "So Simon, tell me he's better?"

Simon lowers his eyes and says, "No, Sarah, he's just
the son-in-laws we already have."

Sarah shakes her head and says "No plan, no job, and they
think we're God."